It’s really funny. I am realizing as I grow into the person I want to be, a part of me is becoming more of a man and the other parts of me retreat to the child I never got to be. There was a truth that I believed in as a child. I do admit that yesterday I was naïve and easily shaken. Maybe that’s why I believed you. You always said every word perched on your lips, no matter how insensitive. You claimed to be closed, and un-open. That’s what I thought was the problem. I thought I could fix the growing tension that erupted in fights not worth our time. It wasn’t that. You talked plenty. You fought with me. You’re excuse was the need for complete honesty. The truth you took from me, the truth that I’m watching more and more people accept is growing back in me. I believe in the truth that I am worth loving and that I am still strong.


I know I am strong because fear will not keep me from doing anything. Still it is there. Even now my hypocrisy is haunting me. For I fear confrontation with you. I worked and prayed that I would have the confidence to take action. Now the confidence is here and I’m scared to lose it. This circle is driving me crazy, as I am left behind as it spins round and round and round. I spent long nights wishing for your kindness, the return to giving you a place in my heart. I wrote songs, I took note of your actions. I am still trying to fully understand you. I still love you yes. I decided this not so long ago, but I believe it to be the truth. I know with all my soul that true love, (which I believe is love from God, manifested in Christ, only achieved by dyeing to one’s self), I know that true love is always. Love is not just a feeling but a promise you make before you realize you’ve made one. I’ve only sacrificed myself to one other who hurts me so, which would be my father. I am very scared in fact, now that I think about how you remind me of him.


I still have faith in my love. I always had faith in that, that’s how I got through eighth of September with God. It kept me up when I lost the definition of my structure. I found a structure beyond the normal bricks and steel that held me up. I kept a tight enough grip to keep me intact with what was true. Sure, reality might was slipping right under my feet as I did what I could to get through those months. I did complain about hearing so much noise when in reality it was me making the ruckus. Didn’t you know I knew there was a way away from all of this? The first moment I recognized I had the will, I ran hard, so hard after the truth.


Now that I am coming back to a lighthearted life, I can see what I had so long ago. I made the promises I could keep. Love is so funny though. Love is not just a feeling but a promise you make before you realize you’ve made one. Love is not one choice. It’s a choice every day. I’m sorry if I have given up on you. I’m sorry if I have been a hypocrite. I’m sorry if I took my anger out on you.


I may be strong, but I know I’ve been a fool. I start to think about you and I start to think that maybe it was just me. I don’t think that anymore. I do know a lot of this mess has been from me trying to restart these emotions in you. I don’t know how to help you, or be your friend. I still want to badly despite all this resistance. I don’t know if I can ask for you to love me back. Asking that of you may be wrong, or even out of line. I don’t know if you really don’t like me as a person, or if you even can. I want you to. I don’t know if we can work this all out. I guess it comes back to me having faith that this love in my heart can lead me in the right direction. I want you to tell me if this isn’t going to work out. I want you to tell me if I need to let go of you totally.


Lastly, I want you to know, if you’re unsure, know that I will always keep to this faith and optimism. My Final Promise